FoundAlongRoad

I swear I’m not crazy
Entirely
I swear she
Rejects me energetically
Entirely
Since that last twist got me
And she’s been trying to talk to me
Better and more
And I am grateful
And I have been trying to be
Better and more
But it still feels like surface friends
And she still doesn’t ask me only him or him
And my stuff was pulled out again
Maybe I am crazy
But I just will never understand
I don’t think I’m meant to
So I am
Trying to make peace with that
And I feel melancholy lately
Like change, like autumn
Like the dead leaves dropping
Letting go of something
I never wanted to have to
The idea of you
Cuz I see her in reality
The pieces that could never be
And she’s beautiful and when she’s happy
For a minute for a mood
I see everything I had for a moment
With you
But now I see the thorns
See the gaps
Can’t take it all back
The way that change has never disappeared
Only gone slack
I’m never fully wanted here
Like in the beginning
And I can live with that
But it feels like mourning
A connection
That anymore seems like I imagined it
Maybe I did
And it feels like letting go
Of what could’ve been
That was actually impossible
The way I thought we fit
Cuz we could never be it
And idk what changed or if you were always this way
And just for a bit
Found me interesting
But I’ve got this ache being around you
Better than a scream inside
But I’ve got the knowledge of how to
Never settle for what doesn’t feel like you did
And never settle for how you feel now
Cuz it would be destructive
And the place those two feelings meet
Is like a tear in my reality
Like I want someone else
Something else
So much some nights
To feel genuine with anyone
Who can see me
And see women
But then when it doesn’t give
The ‘comes naturally’ happy
Energy we did
I’m left wanting
And I think of how I wouldn’t even want that now
Being so caught up
All the time spent
It was magic
But I don’t want it to be everything
Been changing my priorities back
To what they should’ve been
I guess you were right
About distraction
I don’t want someone every night
But then
I think would’ve we could’ve we gotten to that
Together instead of repelling
Sides of magnets
And then I tell myself it doesn’t matter
But the truth is
I want what we were supposed to have
Some nights
Some fun
No expectations
Time to ourselves separate
Wasn’t that what we agreed
And it’s what I’ve always said I need
But now trying to find it in someone else
Who can also open to me
Is harder than it seems
I don’t want emptiness
But I don’t want all the rest
All the time
And I’m left still wishing you’d come around
So I can meet you there now
Knowing you never will
And idk if I can ever fill
That spot where it could’ve been
Messily perfect
And it makes a sore spot in my chest
That it’s been so long of you not wanting it
Or anything
But then I think of the unease
How you could never be
Safe to me
Can’t meet me here
And in it there’s grief
Mixed with anger and fear
But it’s muted it’s fading
It’s always with me but I’m changing
Into acceptance
Like cutting out something incredible that rotted
Not knowing how
Just that it’s isn’t good for me now
And I know it
I am now feeding the space
Walking the line
To keep my sanity
Cuz I can’t try
To be on the page with you again
Cuz I know we could be and I want it
But all that’s in the air is rejection
So I turn some around on you
Only enough to keep myself from falling back
I let myself sit in the sad
When you call me again and cry
About him
Back on the ride
But I hold my tongue
Even when I have to bite
On the days when you get frustrated and can’t
Try to find the words for me anymore you just go
Yea I know you let go
So I’ve been trying to join you
Knowing there will still be love in me for you
No matter where I go
No matter the things I now know
What I don’t want
What I always will
Just the pieces of you
That toward me aren’t even real
But also for the ones that bleed
That I can’t get close to
But you let me see
I can’t explain
Murky in my brain
Clarity in what I need and what you’ll never give me again and in what I thought could be that I no longer want
But dark and mixed up how it got here and why it all hurts
Where it all went and how to prevent
Meaning even less
While trying to be a person
And trying to leave it die
Unwillingly voluntarily
Letting you make me whatever I am in your eyes
But not to me no not to me this time
It’s the only say I ever had and I know that inside.