FoundAlongRoad

I think it must be hell
To have a mind ruled by logic
And experience psychosis
I was thinking about conspiracy theories
And what you’d say, how you would explain
Every day I miss my best friend
I mean the last one
The tattoo that refused to be covered
But a lot of days I miss the first one too
Not the first love
The one that raised me
Not raised with like him
The one that made me, metaphorically
And crashed her car into a tree trying to die
Over me
When I let go of her hand
Then spent years saying it wasn’t for me
Self preservation and I couldn’t protect anything
Always there for me
roughly and steadily
Until I found a love that wasn’t right
But was pure comfort
Let go of everything
I think I craved comfort, stability
Over everything
From a young age
Part of why I stayed almost a decade
Juxtaposed with a hunger
For cerebral excitement,
knowledge, wit
The glint those eyes get
That’s why I couldn’t stay any longer
If it wasn’t winter all over again tonight
I’d keep company with the moon and just write
I can never get it out the same inside
Where its warm and everything is small and fine
It’s all fine
Beckoned to lose myself
In other worlds
Other people’s words
Taking me everywhere else
Wrapping around me
Soothing
The only balm I’ve ever known..
To every wound or hole
I paused in the doorway and started to cry
Out of nowhere
feeling yearning
To just hold my baby and be at my mom’s side
Somewhere safe
Somewhere calm
To know it’s alright
The only importance to my heart
To my whole life
Once upon a time
I let go of everything for the laughter and dreams of a life
Then when I was forced out in the cold desert I learned what felt right
All I had left
The older baby at my side
I rebuilt but do we ever stop healing
If we really try
Everything changed when I almost died
But it wasn’t in time for him
Still treated time like a bargain
I swore I wouldn’t ever do that again
Every second
Every second is your whole life
Cuz the heart beating can stop without warning
Any time
Now I worship it like prayer
Begging for five more years
Just the time for his life
While I take a drag that could drag me away
On any night
And for that I would deserve hell
Couldn’t forgive myself even in the afterlife
I swore he’d never feel abandoned again
That id always come back in the morning
Crying again
Aren’t we always always so weak
Outside the rush of adrenaline
I used to want to change the world
Set it all right
Now I see it can’t be done
Not a design flaw but original intention
Against nature itself but not ours
I was only little then
Through years I grew to only want to leave a mark
Something behind
It still nags at me at the million things I write
Only in my mind
But now I know it all just turns to dust when we go
It feels big, outside
Under the stars in the cold
Feeling the pull
Back to his side
To again always bargaining with time
Someday we’ll all be together again
Someday you won’t have to cry at night
Please let us live until this time
Intersecting with letting simple breathing
Wash over me, the awareness
Thankful, every moment, every feeling
I could say so many things about a lifetime’s tango with death
I never thought I’d grow old so I didn’t plan for it
Now I know I won’t and I don’t mourn the chances
I grieve for every rose colored in hindsight moment
Even when I have my own words to show that when I lived it I owned it
The memories fail, one red error light after another
Quickening in inefficiency
Like a mind turned into a colander
And I think of conspiracy theories
And what she would say
If she still trusts everything that’s real
And the scientific explanations for her own minds betrayal
She didn’t have a fear of exploration..
I guess that was never the whole picture
Have I written these words before
Deja vu and I guess my brain still whirls
Grinding and halting, just enough to remind me
You’ve said this before
So many words you don’t write
And yet when you try
To put them to page you repeat cliches
I always wanted to just do spoken word
It’s all just whispering into the wind
Only the dying earth hears
And idk if it remembers anything
In it’s own peril
Pushing back to get us before we get it
Or the martyr of mother nature
Going down with the ship
As is the nature of the mother
What the patriarchy built
I don’t think I’m ready to write the rest yet
there are mundane things to do
to find the drive in
Another moment living
Toiling
Breathing
Out
In