FoundAlongRoad

Stumbled across your channel the other night
And I’ve only touched on you in writing a few times
Like pressing a finger to a burn
Branded in my skin but somewhere deeper within
I can still hear the way you’d laugh
Derisive
At that
I wonder if you’d think I’d grown up
Or given up
Cuz I never got out
Or did anything much
Except settled down
The youth in me
Always there eternally
Like everything you ever taught me
Bits and pieces coated in disappointment
In resilience
Loneliness
I could never keep up with your brain
You wanted facts I wanted feelings
You wanted to do I wanted to not have to
I wanted to run away to fantasy
Every day
But without you there would be no me
There’s no other way
To see it
And I may never see you again
So I revisit the screen sometimes
Remember how ugly it got in the end
Sounds like the love of my life
Isn’t that what it is in platonic
My best friend
I’ve had a few of them
Only ever knew an end
Abandonment
Maybe I was leaving so I could beat them to it
Pulling away to stay safe
It’s never gotten me anywhere but nostalgic
Quiet peace that’s half serene
Half too loud
In the empty echoes
I’ve never been good at being consistent
When I’m overwhelmed
I get so distant
Curl up into myself
I can miss someone with one hand
While keeping them away with the other one
And we communicated different
Differently, I know
Hated the way I wrote
The only one who ever cared to try
And the harshness reminded me of my ()
I’ve found echoes of it in most of the women I’ve loved
Never knew how to heal enough
To open up anywhere that wasn’t just soft
But I’ve only gotten here by internalizing their
Harshest mantras
Isn’t that fucked up
Halfway growing halfway breaking
I’ve never been whole at anything just taking
The best from the failure
The good in the never good enough
Maybe I’ve never really learned to regulate the way I should’ve
Maybe I’ve been stubborn in all the wrong ways
And I’ll run out of days to change
But I’ve had some good ones
I think my love language for life
Has always been memory
Over the real stuff
And I’ve learned to hold the now closer
But so selectively
Only the ones who gotta love me
Unconditionally
Maybe I’ve always been sprinting from
Danger perceived
Like a person constantly stalking me
But it’s been my own twisted trauma
The whole time
That I plant in others eyes
In my mind
Lower the bar to stop coming up short
No energy left over for
What really matters
I wasn’t designed right for this world
So I made my own
And I shut the door
And I kept inviting all forms of love in
Only to change the locks again
Exhausting
I don’t know if I was ever present enough
To understand any circumstance
Until looking back
Feels like I’ve been stretched too thin and pulling myself back in for as long as I can remember
In every second until I found a few
Found the peace I was always trying to do
In minimal
Like it was the answer I always knew
But now I wonder if it’s the monster
Lying to me
Underneath the mess
Peeling back the stress
Why can’t I get there with any other company
Any regularity with who I want to see
Just me and my baby
Like I have sensory issues of the soul
Of the entire system
Of any energy beyond mine and my own
I crave it only to be burned
Like our past
Like the connection deeper than this town
Still etched into me
Through the pain and the let downs
I just hope you’re doing better now