FoundAlongRoad

I didn’t know my chance to live
Until the last tests
You were gone by then
And it hurt more than the one I lived with ever did
Told myself you’d be back again
And it’d be what it was
Cuz I know your walls come up
But back down for me
But it’s been new lifetimes in these months
And when you checked back in
It wasn’t to hash it out
Dealing with how
You abandoned me when I was down
Felt the same cuz I couldn’t come around
No you chose denial and I didn’t see it coming..
The lies were worse than pretending it didn’t happen
I can’t be upset that your husband is your person
Cuz I love you happy
But you got a new best friend
Thrown around on purpose
Cuz I know you were hurting
Like I haven’t known you since we were kids
All your acting out all of your reasons
Going down a path I dont wish on those kids
But whatever it takes to keep you thriving
Replacing addiction
In it with him
The tradition
Makes me nauseous
But it keeps you grounded
I can’t do anything for them
I remember on the couch
Laughing with your sister
At things your mom would say
That you do now
And I wanna fix us
But I can’t watch it all go down
Just wish you the best
On the path you’ve found
And I know underneath you’re still you
I know exactly why you’re clinging so hard to
The very things that molded scars into you
Generational trauma
Gonna do it better right
Came so far it brought tears to my eyes
You were my rock in a storm
Until you needed your own calm
Or maybe we needed more chaos
Our crazy overlaps then pulls back
Like how they were all almost mine
You told them all of the time
But then I could never do it like him
Build a life
So I don’t regret it
But I miss everything
And feel like I already mourned it
Shed into new skin
It’s still warming
Up to trying to be more
To just be enough
For this life that creeped up on me
For circles that include
People who
Are just good all the way through
I’m only good part-way through
The rest is fake it
Until you make it
Cuz it’s wrapped in codependent wounds
And I wanna tell her how fucking cute
She looked last night
But there’s no way to say that right
Without crossing lines
And there’s no way to put you and I
Back to where we were
Maybe it’ll build back better in time
Or maybe we’re not the same
I think in life you’re supposed to change
But the right ones stay
They grow along on their own way
But not so far
Not this way
And idk what I believe anymore
Except it’s nothing the same
As what keeps you supposedly sane
Broken plates replaced
And now they’re full
But there will always be that hole
The tattoo growing through the fade
All the love I can only try to put in the appropriate place..
If I told you I know what you would say
Half jealousy, half respecting marriages
Like we were practice
And a ton of I don’t wanna hear it
So right now I’m not sharing
Been unraveling and spooling anew
Not sure what I will turn into
And tomorrow the day is new
Tonight I just feel the holes
In the shapes of you
And see the ghosts
Backlit with hope
By the light of the moon