FoundAlongRoad

And it’s the watching yourself run through the red lights
Like how for so long did we keep it locked down tight
And I know what I’m missing and the trauma I didn’t confront yet
Maybe I should thank her for making my addiction a complex
But I’m too old to keep burning these chances
Pushing boundaries like a taught string
To see if it will vibrate or snap
Didn’t we swear not to do that
So few that don’t make me
Feel like sandpaper on my energy
Maybe that’s what makes me
Crazy
I’ve never accepted contentment
Always broke the good thing
And it doesn’t take a genius
To know why I always want what I can’t get
But the truth is so much bigger than that
I tell myself if it was perfect
I could be enough
But knowing nothing ever is
I always run
I constantly push
Cuz it will never live up
So I could never be the one.
Breaking it early
Keeps me from getting my hopes up
Only to burn it down with all my differences
More than quirks I guess
It’s just speed running rejection
Keeping my heart where it could never live
Untouched is protection
Cuz then I never have to be
A disappointment again
Left for who I am
No matter how hard I try to soften and mold again
And I know it’s different with her
Cuz there’s no letdown I’ve been searching for
But it doesn’t even matter
Cuz I think in truth it would be worse
If I got it I always drop it
Through things that are uncompromis-able
Alone in my own world
And I will not join yours
If you can’t meet me here
Impossible
I’ve learned
It’s impossible
So I stay clear
I only yearn
For unattainable
Cuz what I need is out of reach too
But searching always, can’t undo
The wishing that just never dies
Please meet me here
I hear the cries
Sing myself lullabies
Cuz I’d rather be alone than unknown
You can’t love where you won’t go
Most of me is in shadow
They always let me down enough to know
That I would only let them down
Not this time somehow
But maybe it’s around the corner
And either way I think I’m wrong
Cuz energetically like nothing other
But the standards are too high for me to grow to
So I would never try
And never know
A different
Disappointment
But it would be the worst
So half of me pushes
Please show me you’re not different
The other half terrified
Cuz even if she is
Self fulfilling prophecy
My soulmate is
Invisible ink.
I fall in love every day
But I can recognize the different ways
Trying to fall back into me
But every day is a mask so I can’t see
Anything but the lack, the difference of me
And I love it anyway
Hold those parts so softly
Cuz I know they will never show their face
Unloved by any but me
I wouldn’t undo
Myself
Grow and bend and rebreak to heal again
But not erase
I do not want a love for only the surface
So I do not want.
And choose a place to put
All the unmet needs to give
Where it can never live
Cuz it needs it
And cuz it’s safe
And cuz it’s danger if I let it
And this time it’s different
But it doesn’t matter in the end
It won’t matter when I’m gone
Only if I break it
So for that I’m trying not
To keep getting it wrong
They say it isn’t as hard
To heal until you’re in the trenches
To stay strong until you’re tested
I have been failing progressively
At the only battle I have wanted to win
In so long
The one for me against my demons
To keep them off
Where they don’t belong
They’ve been quietly existing now they’re riled and I’m promising
If they keep lunging at the innocent
I will find a more permanent
Ending.
I will not be a monster to a being outlined in wings
But every day my brain says
It’s just a little thing
Until I unpack it
Deception
I’ve never trusted myself
Maybe this is the one the time for all the money
All the worth
I swear I will wake up
More determined
Discerning
For every tomorrow left
Cuz the mirrors have been making me nauseous and it’s supposed to be so calm and I have been burying what’s behind it even as I know it’s name so I think it’s time to come down from the frenzy and be boring on the outside until I can tame this internal flame being fanned into inferno cuz when it all burns down I’m only scars standing in ashes of the best parts of being alive and I will not add to that pile.
They say get busy living like the two paths don’t diverge
Takes the room from what has worth
The time from doing the real work
It’s been a lifetime of adjusting but it’s been too long to keep replanting roots
Gotta lean into the sun and slow down through the fear
Stop and feel the life here
Nurture what is real
Before I cause it to wilt.