FoundAlongRoad

Just weeks of turning
While I’ve been unlearning
Throwing tantrums cuz for once I’m happy
Nervous system doesn’t know what to do with that yet
Throwing every issue at the wall
But I saw it coming
Grin and get through until I learn how to
Be content
Cuz I appreciate everything
I’ve just never experienced this
And days ago the climbs and lows
Started pulling on both of my arms
Like where to go
Back and forth
Crying and laughing and crying some more
But I knew it would happen
Then as the day turned dark something shattered the lantern
Creeping up
Like the worst part
No one called for you
Or said your name
There was no rejection
But I guess it’s always been implied anyway
So I fought my own worst pieces
Like please get me out of this
The spectre of everything I never wanna be again
Shattering objects against my skin
Slicing so exquisite
But we don’t enjoy this
The screaming and the shredding from somewhere in my chest saying
Saying it’ll never be me
Saying why couldn’t I ever be
And spinning in circles like OCD
Trying to understand what they see
In these men
Here we go again
But we’re healing
So I spoke softly to myself
Let it out
I didn’t send it out loud
Or even write it down
I know this pit we’ve been so intimate and I won’t go back now
Never hate myself again
Let it trickle down
In tears and in aches from my very marrow
I will never truly understand you
Or be understood
Let it go
If I’m not enough to compare
I just was never meant for here
So I curled into a ball and deleted all the messages
To all the strange men
That said help me feel
What they always did
Cuz I can’t unlock what’s missing
No workbook to gift like unbreaking
And id puke it all up in the morning
So I let it break
Skip these steps
I will not
Repeat into this
There was no warning
We never started so I didn’t see it coming
Thrown like an ejection seat
But I was never even at the scene
Patterns always but not this time
We’ve been slowing down we’ve been coming alive
Living all the words I swore
That I would before
When I said I’d learn love without possession
Without walls or lessons
Raising fences
Only to keep out the demons
But I was clean I swear
I guess the bloodstains never leave
When this is where I kneel
But I hide them so well on me
And every day I wash them clean
So I didn’t see the light change
Yellow to red
One blink and it exploded
Raining glass down on my psyche
Like it broke the rules on me
Still have to face the hard truth
Even if you keep the question tucked inside you
But so far so far I didn’t fall into the scar or the coping hell
Does that mean I’m doing so well
Don’t look back or the next step will trip you
Trauma throwing roots
And when the haze cleared in the sweltering heat
All I saw around me
Were ringing bells saying I can’t run from what I’ve become
Just like everyone else maybe
Marking the occasion
Sunlight bouncing across
Bending my sense of me
Cuz I don’t feel lost
Can’t say I’m not broken anymore
And maybe I’m not sure
But echoing all around
Is the clear sound
Of it all materializing
Personifying
Pulling into the real world
How I just want more
Everything
I want everything
Not the perfect not the fantasy
I want every second
That I have left to live
I want all the moments
That I’ll never get
I’ll never say this again
No I’m gonna learn to live with it
And keep it quiet
No smoldering
But my dreams touched earth like a shooting star
Dying
Turned into something beautiful
And I’ll never admit it again
Cuz it’s just not me
Who would I even be
But if I squint I can see it
Not like the end of the world
But like the beginning of fitting a mold
The one of just being normal
In a cosmic love
But maybe there’s a place
Where that knowledge and reality can still touch
Not the same
But so much more than enough
So I’ll pull back from the vision
I never thought it would be so peaceful
To lose the truest struggle
But I have so much more than enough
If it haunts me
Let it do it gently
Late into the night when I’m alone
If it drives me
Let it steer me toward unconditional
And other than in these words
Let me let it go.
I’ll allude to feelings like pretty words and other worlds
But I’ll never again admit
You make me want every mundane thing
Like marriage
Just seeing you every day
Cataclysmic..
Let it only be a catalyst
To a life change
A different age
And I’ll wish on it like a dandelion
Blow it away..
Tuck the change in my back pocket
Only live for today.