FoundAlongRoad

She writes of having
Another practical conversation
And avoids me in rooms she is in
And I want to be somewhere comforting
With my mother or my best friend
I see how life has hardened her to this
So unused to simple touch
She called it being spoiled
Fell in
And then ran from it
But I cannot keep trying to bring softness
When only cut on her edges
I thought I could shape myself
To be here and be without
To give her only what she asks
To help from being run over from the grind
Again and again
But she has to keep moving
It’s all she knows to survive
And I keep disappointing
Because I won’t kill myself for the repetitive lies
That there isn’t enough time to do everything needed
Cuz I can see most of it isn’t needed
Instead of sleep, instead of laughter
We built ourselves in fundamentally different ways
I used to be just like that
I will never go back
So I cannot be here
When she only sees my lack
And I had boundless energy
Only for her
Until it was the only thing she wanted
Directed everywhere in the home
Except at her
Now the weakness in my veins
reminds me it was never meant to be this way
I know my limitations
I do not want to waste extra time
In the unforgiving grind
But oh how I wanted to give her mine
To ease her burden, her mind
But there is always another weight
Another list
In this life
And I can try and try
But all I get
Is another list
All she gets
Is twisted in it
Life should not be so thankless
Everyone striving for those last years
When they can be at peace
I have rejected the premise
Since I could speak
And close calls have shown me
It’s even more precious than we think
I want to have comfort
Slow moments
In between
The insanity
None of it lives here
And can’t be given by me
I’ve tried to pull off my own skin
Only to fail again and again
And I am miserable to leave
And too miserable to not be
Somewhere comforting
But when she is lost
How do you leave
Even when you feel your insides bleed
Terrified knowing it’s killing me
But isn’t this killing her slowly
To be not enough but still need
To try
Different sides of the same shape haunt you and I
But you cannot see mine
And I cannot find a hold to grab
On yours
How do I not keep trying to give more
But how do I stay, dying, and still falling short
I want you to be somewhere comfortable
Do I want that more than to be alright
I have always been against myself in a fight
To be more than I can
But with her, it came naturally, to be all that I am
More, better, and at home in that
She pulled out the best of me
I didn’t believe in
And threw it away carelessly
But I will not stay seething
I have to find it again
For me
For everything in life worth living
But it refuses to enter here
Only pieces
Cuz every step I heal there is a new pain
Letting go and barely feeling anything
The way I did in this
And yet caring too much and hearing again I’m not enough
To help anything
Seeing the good in the times and begging to be entwined in it
And yet I find
No comfort
No brakes no space to say let me sit here and just be and there are a million reasons, I can see them but at the end
I am not someone to force it
And I’m not what’s needed
Am I better than nothing?
I am depleting
I want her to have everything she thinks
Is out of reach
And I just want to know comfort again