FoundAlongRoad

Second time I’ve heard he’s hooked on those pills again
And I’m the third generation with that prescription
Shared addiction
And it’s been a decade and a half
But I keep
Two in my dresser
In case it ever
Gets that bad
And to prove to myself I don’t need that
But it’s been two angry phone calls
One repeated threat
In a couple long never-ending days
At least I get to sleep a bit
Not enough to be sane
And it’s been the second time I’ve heard exciting information in a round a bout way
But the third one just involved me personally
Places I don’t wanna go for decades
And the well-worn steps behind me call but it even sounds hollow
Like I did all this just to do something stupid again
Give me my worth
And I don’t internalize it when her voice takes that edge anymore
Cuz I just see haunting images of my exes face when her brain wouldn’t do what she wanted, hardest times to endure
But then I see the last one taking it all out on me like she didn’t even know what she was doing while I’m sinking through the floor
She took me just as low but I don’t collapse there anymore
Still a little stuck in the ones with a heart
Damage out of their control
And I see-saw cuz it’s the same
Except you chose it more than any I’ve seen before
Maybe that’s not fair neither are the tears or the lives that can’t be led anymore
Or the venom the lashings
Roll around pick a direction I feel it all and yet nothing for sure
Three ways to be pulled into memories
Four exes
Permanent stresses
They can’t control so much anymore
And one breaks down and hates herself
I hear her screams in my nightmares
My person
One learned after so many years
How to manage everything left here
And she has blackouts she doesn’t remember
Two are amazing no matter the pain given
one stays and one stays away
The third made it personal
To take it from me
So I don’t write about her anymore
A fourth adjacent so technically this is fifth
Gotta be just common, what do I attract or find attractive
Light souls struggling
Inescapable abyss
The heavenly glimpses
Now saying it out loud made it real
Maybe I’m diving
Into distraction
Way back to old ways of coping
Cuz I can’t handle how I feel
Way past some barrier
But I don’t wanna be her anymore
The me made up of the worst times
Felt their fear but not the same
The rage but I won’t play
Now the twisting teasing bleeding heavy breathing
That’s what calls to me at every age
I lost the lack
Of responsibilities,
Of dropping the mask
No i can’t let it slip now
Couldn’t live with being that wound again
Thought I was better but it grips somehow
Tied up in healing parts
Like none of me belongs
But if I loosen the edge
It lets the rest out
Didn’t I say I knew
It would be forever to
Try to be human
How did I end up in this room
Now the house on the other hand
When it’s caving in
Like what I always knew
It’s the bright clean college degree
Daytime scene
That I tried
To only infiltrate at night
And I thought maybe maybe
In another life
I don’t think something so small and un-serious
Should cause this kind of disturbance
Maybe it’s the trauma or the fear
Didn’t realize it’s all tied
To being an imposter here
Like here I go again
Go ahead say something stupid
Put it out there
Push away someone you genuinely like
As a person
She doesn’t deserve it
Do you think it might be your self worth self sabotaging
Maybe this long celibacy
Was never the right medication for me
Or maybe it’s just how some wounds never really heal
And I could be better away from living here
Can I do better while I’m still there
Can I steal the shadows til it’s all clear
Collecting and placing
In appropriate places
The first time, I felt like this I gave in
The second, I tried to fix it and ran back to the beginning
The third now circle around again
I want the power back
Self control, self soothing
Keep a bit of the temptation
The innocent confession
That has nothing to do with me
In my dresser, in the back of my mind
In case I wanna give in
Burn it all down collateral damage
Prove I deserve what always happens
And if I don’t touch it
No breaking
To show myself I don’t need it
I know I need something else
Within.